Getting the Poison Out

When I was in college, wide eyed and hopeful, I believed so strongly that I would change the world. It was an energy inside me ebbing and flowing with my triumphs and failures. Somewhere in that childhood, I got infected with what we will lovingly call 'the poison'. It hid from the world, deep in my mind, but it was never released. Every harsh word, every misjudgment of my character, every bit of broken trust and a few abusive relationships later and I had more then a lethal dose of poison in me. It made me hate myself, made me self mutilate and worst of all, it made me complacent and content to hide in imaginary worlds where things only went bad if I chose them to. I had done so well in hiding my poison from most people and found myself surrounded by people that did not know me well enough to see it taking control. Years I spent in a cocoon of poison, healing from pains, being distracted by pain and becoming an expert at excuses. I just told myself I was waiting for my life to start. That was, until football showed up.

Last year, my goal was to get up. Every fall, every missed tackle, every ache and every pain all I wanted to do was get back up. It was a victory, a big one. My coach held my hand through the entire thing. He made contact with me every day. He coddled me, encouraged me and picked me back up even when I was the one that knocked myself down. God bless him, I would not have survived without him. I knew this was my first step and that I wasn't strong enough to take it alone. In the few months since the season has ended, I let the poison wrap around me again. I let it pull me under.

And then my friend D showed up to visit me. The first friend to visit me in Arkansas since I moved here. I got to show her my world and in seeing it, she also saw my poison. She was baffled at my self doubt, my complacency and my loss. I had stopped believing that I had something to give the world. She didn't know who I was, that much was clear in her eyes. I hadn't even thought of those dreams I had in college since then. I had buried them deep inside to save them from the poison.

All this was going through my head tonight at practice. This new coach is killer. His consistency to change what he asks of us makes me exhausted in new ways every time and to be honest I didn't want to be there, but I knew that I wouldn't be faithful to my love of football if I didn't go and give what I had. And then it hit me. Almost as if I could see the poison falling off me as I ran. My head is held higher, my smile is genuine and I'm meeting peoples gazes. Last season was about getting up after I fell. This season will be about getting the poison out of me and every teammate I have. I have something to give the world and I am going to show everyone that. Its going to be difficult and painful. There will be times I don't want to keep working and yet I refuse, I refuse, I REFUSE to quit.

Go ahead, pull up a chair. Watch me.