One more.

I am a player for the Arkansas Wildcats Professional Womens Football Team. My thoughts and opinions are my own and in no way reflect the opinion or actions of the Arkansas Wildcats.

 

There is a challenge in showing up to a football practice when you know you are going to be pushed emotionally, physicially and mentally. There is this self preservation that tells you to stay in the car and drive away. I find myself struggling with this internal war every Saturday and Tuesday. Literally every single one. Most times I win, sometimes I dont. Thankfully, I have a fantastic support system of people that cheer me on, but the battle is still there.

This last month, I decided that in order to be the kind of football player I want to be, I need to loose a lot of weight. I want to be a powerhouse because of hard work, not because I happen to be wide and build like a fridge. I want to live like the athlete that football makes me feel like I am.

So I started a diet. It was not a wise decision.  My hope was that this eating program would supply most of my meals and in doing so, they would take away a majority of the opportunities I had to make poor decisions. But it seems my mind is not prepared for the lack of comfort foods. Something is imbalanced. Something is skewed in my thought process and its been a humbling experience.

I am very loved, I know that more then I ever think I have. When I finally got brave enough to say something, there was such a flood of support and love that I couldnt possibly express how thankful I am for it.

After such an ordeal and so many people that dont know me handling me delicately, I find myself just desperate to get back to the 'cats. I was terrified yesterday thinking they were going to admit me and I wouldnt be able to make it to practice or events. I hated that idea. I found that when I think of hope, I think of these women that have become the ones that push me. Some of them voice my biggest fears in my head. All of them are the ones that make me stand back up after Ive fallen down.

They dont know this. They dont even know what Ive been dealing with. It doesnt matter. I dont care if they know or not. I just know that when I think of them, I think of trying one more play, running one more line drill, making it one more day. One more. Thats what my Wildcats are to me, the courage to go one more.